Providing education, prevention and support services to those affected by abuse or violence
THERE ARE MANY TYPES AND DEGREES OF ABUSE.
Here is a checklist to help you consider if you are being abused. All of the following are abuse:
PHYSICAL ABUSE
pinch
burn
push/shove
choke
restrain
withhold medical treatment
pull
break bones
shake
cause internal injuries
slap
disable
bite
disfigure
pull hair
use guns
punch
use knives or other objects as weapons against you
kick
PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE
threaten
break things
speed in vehicle
destroy property
display weapons (guns, knives, belts)
threatening to kill you
control who you see/talk to
control what you do/where you go
act jealous
move residence frequently
threatening suicide
Minimize/Deny Blame
say one thing/expect another
deny abuse happened
make light of own actions
say that you’re crazy
not take concerns seriously
blame you for their abuse
tell lies
EMOTIONAL ABUSE
make all the decisions
force you to listen to them
play mind games
force you to do degrading things
deny your feelings/ideas
use guilt
withholding affection
use the silent treatment
continually wake you up
tease
VERBAL ABUSE
yell at you
insult you
call you names
use sarcasm
swear/profanity
INTELLECTUAL ABUSE
make you prove things to him
attack your ideas and opinions
play mind games
manipulate information
demand perfection
tell you you’re crazy
make you feel stupid
FINANCIAL ABUSE
call welfare
close bank accounts
limit access to money
waste money and create debt
make you account for every penny
not pay child support
control the money
take care of own needs only
PETS, PROPERTY ABUSE
kill or threaten pets
damage the vehicle
punch walls and doors
smash and break things
throw things
SPIRITUAL ABUSE
put down your faith
soul murder
cut you off from your church
use scripture against you
use church and faith to his advantage
CHILD ABUSE (Using the Children)
abuse children
belittle you in front of your children
threaten to harm or take children away
use visitation as leverage
refuse to make support payments
SOCIAL ABUSE
isolate you from your friends and family
dictate who you can see
prevent you from working
monitor phone calls or mileage
USING CULTURE
use his culture as an excuse for abuse
force you to adopt his cultural practices
put down your culture
allow his extended family to abuse or control you
refuse to allow you to learn Canadian culture
SEXUAL ABUSE
make you dress a certain way
not respect your feelings when you’re not interested in sex
not respect your feelings when you’re interested in sex
make you perform unwanted sexual acts
demand too much sex
use sexual harassment
force you to watch pornography/watch or have sex with others
physically attack breasts or genitals
have sex after a beating or argument
have violent sex
expose self inappropriately
If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may benefit from the education, information and support.
13 Reasons Why Abused Women Stay
Women are fearful of losing their children and/or being murdered.
The initial period of separation is the most dangerous for women.
Women lack trust in the legal system and the police response to protect them.
Restraining orders give a false sense of security and Police fail to uphold court orders.
Transition houses are often full.
The financial realities of separating include the consideration of: Lawyers’ fees, housing deposits, finding housing that takes children, daycare costs/finding daycare, inadequate child maintenance award which may be taxable and unreliable, seeking social assistance, locating employment or retraining.
Exhaustion follows abuse whether physical or psychological and leaves little energy. The fight or flight response is constant.
Women’s self-esteem is damaged by the verbal and physical abuse and the shame of being abused by the person who is supposed to love them.
Women feel responsible for their abuse: according to their abuser, according to society “you chose him for better or for worse”, and women are made to feel their communication skills or their conflict management skills are lacking.
Isolation from family and friends so women can’t check their own perceptions. The shame of having been abused makes it hard to tell even the closest friend.
In order to survive, women may use repression, denial, and other defense mechanisms to help them survive. i.e. “it must be the drugs or the alcohol that is making him do this”.
Society still gives the message that a woman without a male partner may have something wrong with her.
Even though the women may seek separation from her abusing partner, contact often continues because of children. Women may feel they can never really be free of the abuser because of the children. Legal, financial, and emotional abuse can continue, usually putting the children in the middle as pawns to execute the abuser’s continued power and control. Times such as transfer of children for weekend access, parent-teacher interviews, school plays, sporting activities all become very tense because of the potential for verbal or physical abuse toward the mothers.
